tomorrow i will be going on vacation. this will be my first notable vacation in many years. i’ve had some weekend getaways and a few sleepovers with the bestie and the babies, but that’s nothing in comparison to what is planned for my very near future. and while i am very excited, anxious and extremely “ready” for this vacation, i am saddened, as well as heartbroken to be leaving my main man, my sidekick, my number one buddy, my son at home. he will be well taken care of and perfectly comfortable at our home with his toys and his bed. however, i am not so certain that i will be the same.
so, enough with the suspense already, huh? ok. i’ll tell you. due to the overwhelming generosity of my aunt, she and i are going on a cruise. yup, a cruise. we are going to the bahamas, st. thomas, puerto rico and grand turk. i’ve never been on one, have you? i hear they are the bees knees and not to be underestimated. from what i understand it’s a floating party with numerous types of parties and options aboard. sounds exciting right? oh! and the food. i heard that cruise food is food to die for. that it’s just never-ending and mostly delicious (i say mostly, because someone somewhere doesn’t like something– usually). if it’s all so good, why do i feel so bad?
is it because we wanted and planned to take my son? and then later after much deliberation we decided that perhaps we should not? or is it because i’m leaving him for the first time for more than two nights since the day he was born? that seems more like it to me. my son often spends the night with his dad but calls for me rather crankily when he gets hungry or tired. we all love mom’s cooking, don’t we? i know i do. and of course, mamas bathe us and comfort us just before it’s time to sleep. no matter how much complaining he does, his time with his dad is always a great time.
so, again, why do i feel so bad? i have the normal traveling woes of not getting where i need to be on time, lost luggage and forgotten reservations. i have the normal concerns of anyone who is traveling with toiletry items (because of TSA), shoes that require tying and untying (because of TSA) as well as having to purchase my own in-flight food (because of TSA). i’ll remember to remove my eyebrow grooming utensils including tweezers and tiny sharp scissors, so that i don’t get held up and questioned (because of TSA). i’ll also be certain to remove that handcuff key from the bottom of my purse (because of TSA).
everything is taken care of. it’s all been paid for and reserved. our reservations for flights, hotels and cruise ships have been acknowledged and confirmed. the bills are taken care of, the refrigerator is taken care of and the house is taken care of. even my son, is taken care of, for twenty-four hours for all of the days that we will be gone. but… something keeps nagging at me. something is keeping me unexcited when i should be over-excited. i need to shake that feeling. i need it to be gone. if i’m bummed, i will undoubtedly bum someone else out and that’s just a bummer. boooooooo!
ok! so, with that said, i will do as i have been instructed by close friends to do a few things to remedy the homesickness that will fervently consume my son and i. first, i will leave a picture of me with him, that he can hold and keep close. you should know that i’ve already done the same, i think i packed pictures of him FIRST. second, i will make a calendar for him showing the days that we are gone with a photo of the person who will be caring for him that day. next, i will leave my favorite t-shirt behind so that he can sleep in it and feel juuuuuuuuuust a little bit closer to me. i will try to call him every night around bed time to let him know that i am thinking of him and wishing him sweet dreams. and last on my list is to take one of his blankets with me (and i plan on hijacking one of his small trains too) so that i can feel close to him when i want to.
*sigh* ok. i think these things will help. i think. i hope so because i really need to shake this before i get on a plane to the other side of the country and then on a boat for a whole week. i’m sure that tomorrow will bring a renewed feeling of excitement and joy as i finish packing, check items off my checklist and get the show on the road. in the meantime, i’m going to sit and watch him play and smile and drink in as much as i can. drunk on my preschooler’s love is how i wanna be so that the “i left him” hangover doesn’t set in until the plane has taxied off the runway and is into the air where my only options to protest are to jump or jump.
have you ever left your kid(s) for more than a couple of nights? how did you handle that? how did he/she/they handle it? was it bearable? did you have a hard time sleeping? were you too worried to have a good time? talk to me, darlings, i’m about to crumble and i’ve run out of things to blame on the TSA.
LOVE your writing style Tanisha! You are feeling unsettled, due to guilt about leaving Kenneth. He will be fine. Yes, there will be moments when he will feel sad that you’re apart, but they will be brief and nothing that his caretaker won’t be able to cure with a game of tickle, a cookie or just several minutes of silliness.
You have been tied emotionally AND physically to this child for his entire life. You deserve this vacation. In some ways this vacation is as much for Kenneth as it is for you. Why? Because you will be invigorated, you will be a happier person, with a renewed spirit when you return to Kenneth. He will feel your energy and he will thrive in it. This vacation will also teach Kenneth that he is strong, that he is capable because he will spend the time drawing on his own strength, which believe me, he already has at 4 years old because he has learned to be strong because you are strong. You have been (unknowingly) teaching him about strength through all the days of his four year-old life. Enjoy your vacation. You deserve it.
thanks, Mary! i am learning that along with a few other things, writing is my most natural talent. i am exploring and expressing everything and it feels great. i love the comments and the feedback. it’s so encouraging and helpful. especially when it comes from so close to home. family, friends and coworkers.
i don’t so much feel as guilty as i feel overwhelmed. it’s been so long since i’ve been Tanisha, that i feel a little lost. i don’t suspect it will last long once the actual traveling gets underway, i just gotta get to that part. i’m almost packed, but boy am i ready. thanks, Mary for the support and comment. it means a lot to me.
Well first of all my Biggy One, the two of you will have to get used to spending more time apart as he will be entering school soon and the separation will be hard on both of you at first. BUT, there comes a point when you realize, no one is calling me, I can just relax and enjoy myself. You spent all of your life with your grandma, but she took time out for her too. And you will see that when you return you have a whole renewed look at the love of your life. Take your week, he is in your heart and you carry that wherever you go. Enjoy your time apart, so you can miss it when its gone. You will come back and find that he is a little grumpy maybe or you will come back and he will be just as excited to see you as you are to see him. Kids are funny that way, but all parents should know that there is no guilt in taking time for YOU…besides you deserve it…What have you been doing for the last 4 years…being MOMMY…but you are still in there somewhere…Let the Biggy One out have fun enjoy the cruise and everything about it…and dont forget to send pics DAILY..lol But your mommy clothes in the closet and break out the Nisha stuffs, get your pumps and bags and just have it for 1 week, then you put back on your mommy hat and life is still good, but you had a little time to soak up you…Tell your Aunt I said thanks for being there and taking you with her…Have a great time and just know he will love you no matter what…Watch out fellow cruisers…Nish is on the loose…lol. Lovin you always and forever…It’s late dont know if this makes sense…but it did in my head while I was a typing…Hugs and Kisses
mom! you’re always sneaking on here and surprising me. i love it. it makes the distance between us not so far. thank you for your love, support and comments. it means so much to me coming from my favorite lady.
i’m going to be ok, he’s going to be ok and we’re all going to be ok. we just gotta get there. twenty four more hours and it’ll all be underway. i can’t wait to come back and see my little man, whether he wants to love me or hate me. either way, it will be good for me so in turn, it will be good for him. yay to aunt’s, babysitters and VACATIONS! i love you ma!!!
I concur with everything Mary and your Mom said. You deserve to have a great time and just be Tanisha for a few days. You’re also showing your son that his mother has a whole life, and that even though he’s a huge part of that life, there are other parts, too — a great lesson for him to learn. He obviously has enough of your love stored up, and plenty of other loving people around, to get him through your absence. So whatever’s nagging at you, try to let it go, and be good to yourself. Don’t let the TSA ruin a minute of this trip.
And one more thing: Please don’t jump.
well!!! i went on vacation and i had a great time. leaving was hard. no difficult. i cried in the garage. i cried on the freeway. i cried at the airport and just as i suspected, i cried until that plane was in the sky and my only option was to jump. which i didn’t do. while i was gone, i figured out that this was my first “vacation” in ten years. my last vacation was the week of the world trade center disaster. i have been a few places for a few days, but nothing to truly be considered “vacation”. so this was it! and it was fuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
have you ever heard someone say “i need a vacation to recover from my vacation”? .. yeah, that was me. i finally got home on sunday night and today is the first day i’ve been up before eleven. whew. anyway, i’m going to get started on recounting that experience. it should be a good read. i got some great photos and met some wonderful people. yay to vacation!