somewhat speechless


on Saturday, February 25, 2012 at 10:32am

if you know me, you might know that i talk a lot. i talk, laugh, yell, scream, write and text more than most of the people in my cell phone. what can i say? i’ve got a lot on my mind and there is no filter between the two. if i think it, you’re most likely going to hear it.

occasionally, i find my self at a loss for words. lately, lacking words has been my status quo. i have my blog, but haven’t blogged. i have ideas, titles and graphic organizers up to my eyeballs, but no blog entry has been made. in many weeks. honestly, i blogged myself to tears when i wasn’t working, but now that i’m part of the eight-to-fivers, typing till dawn has less ambiance. i have the words, i just don’t want to do anything with them. why is that?

to top that, my favorite guy on the planet, my son; SuperBoy has been sick. really sick. THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME SPEECHLESS. i am currently (as in, right now) sitting in the urgent care. he has a 102 fever, hives on his eyes, wheezing, coughing and a runny nose. this all happened over the last twelve hours. downhill, fast. like an elephant on skates. whooooooosh! and for the most part, it’s attributed to “a virus”. psssssh.

we have been to the doctor — or some doctorly type hangout every two weeks for the last 2 months. it started with a cold. tuesday, wednesday and thursday of that week he slowly progressed. on thursday i took him to a new doctor. breathing treatments for his asthma. the next day, friday, he still had a fever… back to the doctor for antibiotics. ten days worth. he finished the antib’s on a monday. that very next friday, BOOM! fever, cough, etcetcetc …took him to the docs office again. another new doctor that had him TRANSPORTED via ambulance to the emergency room. his blood oxygen saturation was only 80%. 😦 they gave him oxygen, breathing treatments and steroids for hours. after about eight hours, a series of xrays and 93% pulse/ox for more than an hour…, we went home.

i made a follow-up appointment with a different pediatrician through the pediatrics department. new job, new insurance, new everything. the newest doctor was concerned.. instantly. which made me concerned. he listened to my twenty minute rant and read my notes….DAMN. RAN OUTTA SPACE.

note: this was originally a “note” started from the emergency room on my aunt’s samsung tablet. i have always been inspired by the here and the now more than anything else. most of my more successful blog entries have been derived and written on the spot. obviously, i was unable to continue that day but have not lost track of what i wanted to say. i will continue now where i left off… at the new doctor’s office, sharing my son’s medical history:

thus far, my being speechless has more to do with context than content. my context, that is. where i am and what i’m doing and most importantly what it is, exactly, that is inspiring me. is it fleeting? momentary? am i trying to capture a feeling or sentiment?

in this case, the inspiration is my son and his health. an endless, topic with endless questions, quandaries and conundrums. my being rendered speechless isn’t about describing his conditions and ailments. i can tell you about so many different things, in detail, from the day he was born until now. my lack of words is directly linked with how well i am able to deal with my sons allergies, sensitivities and requirements and how prepared he is able to deal with them on his own. both off those areas could use some improvement. vast improvement.

so we were seeing the third new doctor within three weeks. his interest was definitely piqued at the beginning of our conversation. he was interested in the middle and concerned by the end. he wanted lab work. prescribed an organic diet and supplements. he wanted a return visit. I had only the look of motherhood on my face (that is a look of experience, confusion, pride, insanity, professionalism and ghetto-fabulous-ity) and my mental notebook… a cerebral trapper keeper.

simply stated: i move too slow and time moves too fast. we left the doctor that day with good intentions. soon, it was already the next week and no blood work had been done and no follow up had been made. by that next weekend, fever cough and all of those other sickly type symptoms came back to camp out. boooooo. that next saturday morning is when i started this entry. i was at urgent care. they don’t watch and monitor folk at urgent care so we were moved to the emergency room. hours later, we went home. later that night my poor SuperBoy was right back to wheezing, coughing and not being able to rest.

i took monday off, took SuperBoy to the doctor and FINALLY got him some antibiotics. my son had a rough day at child care on tuesday. he was exhausted by the time i picked him up. he spent wednesday getting some TLC from his dad, and then thursday and friday home with my aunt. it took all of those days to get him back to SuperBoy status. he was really sick. “a virus”. he did have a certifiable allergic reaction to something that he had consumed and the only thing consumed was over-the-counter fever reducer. could it have been something else? what? let’s play What Did Kenneth Eat? and we’ll try to figure out each and everything he has consumed over the last three days and see if we can’t figure it out. a game i’ve played more than once. not. a. fun. game.

it was sitting in the emergency room for the second time within a month that brought me to the most important realization ever:

i am scared to death to have anyone take care of my son and the inkling of the idea of the thought of sending him to school paralyzes me. it has scared and paralyzed me for two years and in order to not feel that fear i have completely pushed the idea of preschool and school out of my mind. stupid thing to do? certifiably! but it’s what i did just the same and it’s what i have to deal with … now.

i have been asked about my son going to school and how well he’s adapted. most folk get the most peculiar look on their face when I say “he’s not in school”. i would love to be the kind of mom that home schools, clips coupons, lives organic, and has a model behavior child. but that is simply not who we are. he is big and looks like he should be in school and he should. he needs the socialization and structure. he needs to learn commonplace behavior and acceptable misbehavior. i really do want him to be the best that he can be. but he can’t. i’ve had him here with me and with the same care provider and the same environment since i found out about the allergies. i am SCARED TO DEATH that something is going to happen.

don’t read my words in that tone of voice! you don’t know what i’ve been through. my concern is not with the school, the menu, the lunch lady (her hair net) or the teachers. my concern lies within the children. my son’s potential classmates. what if they didn’t listen or understand? what if they don’t care or are mischievous? what if the words “life threatening” are taken on a more instigatory note, as opposed to cautionary advice? what can be done if he is tempted with peanut butter or taunted with marshmallows??? how do i send my son out into the world without someone to read his labels, check his food items or refuse him something dangerous??? how do i do it?

i have watched him go from normal to asthmatic to anaphylactic while holding him in my own arms. i have seen his eyes, mouth and throat swell from the allergic reaction and watched red itchy hives take over every visible centimeter of skin. i’ve watched him struggle to breathe more times than i care to recall and honestly, i don’t ever need to see it again. every minute that he is not with me… i worry. even when he is with his father, my aunt or my best friend, i worry. and they all love and care for him. what is a stranger going to do for my baby? will it be the right thing or will it be the wrong thing?? i don’t want to think about it anymore because it makes me nervous, tense and jittery. it makes me react defensively and neurotic-like.

“educate yourself”. yes, thank you. i have done an immense amount of reading on all things related and pertaining to food allergies and guess what….? none of it will do a bit of good if he swallows a peanut. you can read until your heart is content and you can recite the symptoms forwards and backwards but if you swallow a peanut and cannot see the epinephrine auto injector to self inject a life saving fluid… you just might die. read that. but i am supposed to trust the staff and a bunch of other bad ass little kids to NOT give my son something that could kill him and he is supposed to be trained and understanding of food offers and KNOW in his little heart that even though he wants the food and would like the food that he should refuse the food because it could kill him??? heavy load for the thirty-seven year old mom of SuperBoy, but far too heavy for the cherub like and weightless wonder known as SuperBoy… who will be turning all of five years old next month.

yeah, speechless. four year old boys love their mamas. we are their suppliers. we provide sheets, blankets and pillows as forts for shelter, snacks for consumption, trash items for recycling into weapons and clean clothes so they can make dirty clothes. they love us because they devour the unconditional love and pampering provided by a mama. we love them because they are our little men. our monkeys. our buddies and our bubbas. they are our sons. for SuperBoy, i am his mama. he is my buddy, my bubba and my Poot McGroot. he’s my baby boy. seeing his face changes my whole world. he buckles me at the knees and wraps me around his fingers. he touches my hair and no one touches my hair. when i had him, i had no idea what to do with him… now i don’t know what to do without him. he rocks my world. daily.

i want the world for him. a nice pollution free allergen free environment with organic foods void of milk, wheat, soy, eggs, peanuts, walnuts and scallops. a world with a springy floor, safety net, covered outlets, no sharp corners and padded everything. where the harshest statement ever made is “good night”. a world built on trust and…. yeah, i know, stop dreaming and wishing. but you do understand don’t you? i just don’t know if my heart is strong enough to survive the years, situations and complications that lie ahead. i do know that i can’t hide him, in here with me, forever….it won’t be that much longer. just until he outgrows his dimples, ok….? pleeeeeeeease?

17 thoughts on “somewhat speechless

  1. Well mama you can only do so much, and you have done above and beyond just because of is medical reasons. But you also have to let him go out into the mean world of other children, and coughing, and sniffling and all those things go with going to school. You will have to trust that he knows whats good for him and what not to eat, you will have to trust that the staff and teachers will do whats right to make sure that he is taken care of properly. But most of all you will have to cheer his curiosity, his wonder of the world and all the things in it. They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and I know he is a talker just like his mom, he wants to know things and what makes it work, just like mom and just know that every day you leave the house you leave it just as you always have with all your hats in your bag and mamas arms to hold him every time he needs it and some times even when he doesn’t want it. Yes there are things out there that are bad for him, but you won’t be able to keep him at home with you any more he will love school and make lots of new friends and make your hair turn gray but all of that is part of being mama and most of all it’s part of being superboy..Luv you

    • i’m still scared. thinking about it doesn’t help. i don’t feel anxiety often, but when i do it all has to do with my son and his allergies and food. it’s just not normal. and grey? i’m not turning grey. I’M GREY. grey enough that everyone notices and comments. grey enough that my beautician asked me “so when are we going to do something with this grey?” O_o … either way, ma, i’m just nervous. he is all things child and boy, but he’s also got that defiance and i just don’t want the defiance and the curiosity to run into the food at the same time. it’ll be a three no-no pile up that will land right in the hospital. and i don’t think i can take another hospital visit. not this year anyway. XOXOO

  2. oh my love! I completely overstand that fear and the concerns that come with a child with sever allergies and I can’t blame your worry at all! I don’t like that he has been sick all this time so I do suggest to buy some Colloidal Silver liquid form, it does not taste like anything but it is miraculous, just a couple of drops of it in water in a glass, never plastic 2 times a day. I would suggest getting it from Herbal Healer Academy, go to their site and get it! you will love the site and it has the truest forms of supplements. Oh boy…poor baby! you are his mom and you know best! but don;t let fear paralyze you my love for we all know that some things will be inevitable.


    • hello, love! i do not know what collodial silver is, but i will certainly look into it. his doctor prescribed zinc, magnesium and fish oil. i do not know if the sudden onset of those came together to assist in his most recent reaction. i have put all “supplements” on hold until i can get all of the lab work done. the doctor gave me information from iHerb. i think the fish oil was messin’ with my little dudes belly and neither of us deal well with bathroom issues. so, we’ll have to just wait and see. which is the hardest part. the waiting. and as much as i know that things are inevitable, i am certain that i don’t want or need any near death experiences. i’m learning. i’m trying. we’ll see what happens. thanks for the love, love.

  3. Mayim Bialik has written a new book about constant-contact child rearing. As I watched the tv story unfold, I started at “pshaa”. But as she continued I realized how utterly natural the idea is. …..Friend…..hang on, hold on, grasp, clutch, fight, whatever it takes. And never , ever feel guilty for that devotion. All else aside, we are put here to make more of us. Plain, simple….and love is our greatest weapon.

    • i had heard things from her before. she seems to be a natural in the parenting arena. she’s certainly hilarious as Amy Farah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory. it brings me back to thoughts of “it takes a village”. someone has always got to be with a child — to guide and explain and show and tell and so forth and so on… for one person alone, or even for a parenting team it still proves to be exhausting. i do what i can with what i have and i just hope it’s enough. i’m trying to think of ways to explain “allergies” to a child who doesn’t know the meaning of act and react. or how to teach him the signs of a reaction. it brings me to tears sometimes. i never want to use the word “die”, but it’s a fact… it’s real and devastating. *sigh*

  4. My favorite metaphorical story about danger (as told to my kids) Picture yourself in a boat on a calm, peaceful lake. You’ve been told that there lurks a horrible creature, just below the surface, waiting to grab anything that happens to dip into the water. You just can’t resist….you take one single fingertip and stick it into the lake….and…BAM!!!! It has you! Danger is always there, always waiting. Enjoy the boat ride, but be ready for anything.

    • i read a story just yesterday about schools banning tree nut snacks and items and parents LYING and saying “no, it’s not peanut butter, it’s SUN butter”… what’s a mama to do? still water, boat, oars, life jacket and all… if you don’t know how to use it, what good will it be?

      how do you teach a five year old to say no to all things yummy that interest and attract five year olds???

      • Read this and had a thought. …How about a play group of kids who have similar issues. Foods, bees, etc. that they face daily. They might share cautionary tales and ingrain commonsense methods to avoid accidents in a group that won’t single them out as damaged. I think it might carry over into their broader life.

      • THAT! is a fantastic idea. you’ve set me a-buzz.. hold on, i gotta go write something down. wait… i am writing! O.o

        wow! what a concept. a support meeting, but on an elementary school level. let them work it out on their own basically. that would be awesome.. give them some topic cards and general guidelines and get them to open up to each other about their struggles and what measures are taken in the home. sharing their favorite foods and restaurants.

        woo hooo! xoxoo

  5. I have a question in the form of a statement! being that I’m somewhat speechless Mom’s are a wonderful wonder, peace be still; the blessing were (are) mine as I listened to Mom-my gift from the LORD.

  6. Beautiful thoughts and hopes for us, B. Well said….

    I recently lost a girl I loved to alcohol and drugs at age 43. She just gave up. It was a slow, but intentional suicide. She stated her intentions and followed thru on them. I tried for years to steer her off that path, but me nor anyone else could reach her.

    I have to say I’ve considered it…and still do. I’m 61 with health problems that won’t go away. As we live, we see the potential for improvement in most of our days. That keeps us going. But you reach a point where you know, without question,, that each and every day will be worse than the day before. It becomes a battle to create a positive scenario for the future.

    And that’s my thoughts. Keep sharing, B. Ya got a gift…..

  7. dear friend, tom. i have discovered your comment on this post when i think it was most for the most recent “you never really know”. .. i know that some people are not reachable. i know that the majority of us would pursue our family or friends continuously — reminding them that we care for and love them. i just want to urge someone in our position to never give up on someone in their position.

    where one’s life, condition and quality of life come into play, i can also understand and respect someone’s decision. i don’t know what it’s like to be terminal or incurable. i don’t know what unending pain is like. i do not judge nor condemn the ill for their thoughts or actions. those are shoes that i don’t need to walk a mile in to know that how i feel right now has no bearing on how i could or would feel battling something life threatening.

    i can’t say that i haven’t had my own thoughts. i wanted to cease to be. i didn’t do anything about it, obviously. but with such thoughts come plans and every thought i had after that was “oh no, i couldn’t do that”. .. i guess the biggest factor for me is parenthood. i may had the conviction to do it when i was single, but since april 6th, 2007 i’ve been someone’s mother. he has depended on me and i am now dependent on him. i need his smile, his laughter and his fifth degree inquisition over the whereabouts of a cookie that i just devoured thinking he had forgotten about it. i could never leave him to face the would without me behind him to help, guide, encourage and revel in every joy he shares.

    i’m glad you only thought about it. thanks for visiting, reading, commenting and relentlessly shaming me in words with friends.

    • B….what a gift you have! Some people just want to crawl inside your head and dump the ashtrays and kick over the furniture……Some people drag you inside THEIR head. Demanding you examine every little nook and cranny. And get your feet stuck in stuff.
      But you, YOU say “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”. Kinda like taking a test drive with a car salesman who doesn’t really care if you buy or not. Just as long as you enjoy the ride.
      My occasional “don’t care anymore” moments come from quality of life issues, as opposed to terminality. Thru age 54 or so, I had a rule of 100 miles a week. Biking, blading, walking, whatev. That became quite diffiult from a wheelchair or on crutches. Of late, I’ve tried to recreate goals more fitting, but nonetheless rewarding.
      Mainly pool. Billiards, that is. I was once very competitive. But…well, you know. I played this weekend in the Michigan State Championships. I placed 7th in the 50+ eight-ball. I’m 61, so not so bad, I guess.
      With wife gone, kids grown, You have to reinvent yourself and develop new reasons to go on. Even , and maybe more importantly, including relationships with new people. Interesting, fun, thought provoking people…like you. I look forward to seeing yours and showing you mine. heehee,,,,
      From my heart….t

      • wow, tom! i never thought of it that way, but you’re right.. i’m definitely a SHARER. i don’t mind sharing what i have, but please, share with me in return. i often think that is my only purpose — to point out to other people that there are other people. 😀 there are so many of us and we all deserve the same. it has taken me many years to discover and come to know that… and if i can save someone a little time in determining that same point for themselves, i don’t mind.

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