It’s amazing how much of your time and thoughts are consumed when you’re broke. If you’re always on the verge of eviction, cancellation, late fees, and service charges… you are constantly doing the math. Subtracting something from nothing.

My gran used to call it “robbin’ Peter to pay Paul”. Just shifting the debt from one bill to another like a small child shifting anything green around their dinner plate. Never having an account down to zero. Paying extra– because you didn’t have enough.

It wears you thin. It makes it hard to relax, rest, or sleep soundly. But it leaves you exhausted, nonetheless. Waking up to missed payments, notice of cancellation, or the worst of all– stealthily withdrawn funds. While you slept.

When your life is focused on barely meeting the needs– you forget how to want. You sacrifice haircuts, pedicures, and new shoes– to ensure that breakfast, lunch, and dinner are met. You’ve given up on snacks, outings for a refreshing beverage, or streaming services– because toilet paper, laundry soap, and dog food are required.

It can make you crazy. Checking every account all of the time to see if something happened while you were looking away. Perhaps the numbers in the bank would MULTIPLY for once.

The promise of a new day, a new tomorrow, a different outlook shows up– and for 17 seconds, your jaw isn’t clinched so tight. And you realize you’ve been hanging on the edge of a cliff for what feels like a lifetime. And you’ve just been handed a rope.

An excitement so real, and breathtaking that you are afraid to feel it. You struggle with acknowledging that you’ve earned it, worked for it, are worthy of it– and deserve it.

Picture dated January 13, 2019